|We are in front of the judge here, making it official! Messy.beautiful, right? :)|
This past year has been one of very heavy hearts because adoption always, ALWAYS begins with losing the most precious thing a child has. I think before I lived this I would have looked at Caroline's situation now and thought, "What a lucky little girl." That couldn't be farther from the truth. She's not lucky. She's lived a difficult life and it's been made more difficult by choices beyond her control that landed her in a household fill of perfect strangers at age 5. Would anyone want that for their 5 year old? It's been a life of turmoil, neglect, and abandonment. She's not lucky. What she is, though, is the recipient of God's lavish grace, because her heart is not hard. She is giving and kind and faces each new days with a resilience and pluck that adults admire.
She keeps getting up each day, with a smile, and embracing the next thing. She didn't know a letter or a number at this time last year and now she reads like a boss. That girl is determined to do what is put in front of her and she works until she does it. She couldn't even sit on a swing and now she riders her bike at alarming speeds.
But that is not what makes her special. What makes her special is her heart. She loves freely. She is the first one to help a sibling. She seeks out someone else that is unsure and instinctively knows how to comfort them without it being obvious. She knows how to be a friend even though she didn't have that modeled. It's innate in her.
And in the midst of this, there were many, many times this past year where I didn't think our family would make it. I don't even know what it would look like for our family not to make it, but I just knew we couldn't possibly keep going like this. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done.
It's hard to describe why adoption is so hard.
That's not true.
This picture is amazing, isn't it???!! We look alike and we look happy. God did this. He set the lonely in our family. He empowered us to say yes to an unbelievably crazy situation. He is making us family. He is healing her in spite of my many and repeated screw ups and is sanctifying me in the process. This past year I have messed up more than anyone will ever know and God has shown up more that I've ever seen him in my life. He loves us when we're not loveable and when we don't deserve it. That is amazing grace.
This is my messy beautiful.
"Let us hold on to the hope we say we have and not be changed. We can trust God that He will do what He promised."