Suffering

Like the rest of the world, I was horrified to read the reports of the nanny in New York. I can't even type what she did because it's unthinkable. I was even more shaken to realize we have a mutual friend. When it hits closer to home, it's just more shocking. It's personal. I can't stop thinking about this family, yet every time I think too deeply about it, I stop. It's a luxury those outside the tragedy have, to be able to just stop.

The last three miles of the race I did this weekend, my friend and I turned on our music and I was alone with my thoughts for the first time since this happened, so I let my mind dwell there. It makes me sick, sad, and scared. I feel my heart beat faster when I think about it. So I started praying for this family and I didn't even know what to pray. Peace? Strength? They just want their kids. So I prayed for God to remember his promises. He promises to make beauty from ashes, give dancing for mourning, work all things for our good, give new mercies each day. He says his thoughts are higher than our thoughts and our ways aren't his ways. The Psalms say we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I want to see it. I want THEM to see it.

My prayer is justice for this family; it's God fulfilling his promises in their life. I can't even fathom what that might look like, the heartbreak is so deep and seems so final. But this is the same God I joyfully served yesterday, the same one that has rescued me countless times. He is no less good or sovereign for the tragedies I see. It makes me realize even more that this world is so broken. We weren't made for death and destruction. We were made for Eden. I don't know and will never, this side of heaven, be able to understand why the unthinkable, the unimaginably horrific, happens. For now, I want to weep with those who weep (Rom 8:22) and bear a portion of their burden (Gal 6:2).

When Jesus comes back, he will wipe every tear from every eye and there will be no more sadness (Rev 21:4). I know he waits for others' salvation (2 Pet 3:9) and he will come without delay (Heb 10:37). 

I don't write this to preach; I write it to honor the memories of these children. I write it to affirm to myself who God is and that my faith is intact. I need to write down his promises and remember he told me I wouldn't understand his ways. And I don't. So instead I'm just hanging onto what I know is true.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."
Psalm 27:13

For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity. In my faithfulness I will reward them and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Isaiah 61:8